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What Are Sexual Kinks?
Sexual kinks include a wide range of non-mainstream sexual behaviors or interests. Mainstream sexual behaviors typically involve penis-vaginal intercourse or oral sex. Non-mainstream behaviors, such as foot fetishism, role play, wax play, impact play, sadism and masochism, dominance and submission, or enjoying watching one's partner with someone else, fall under sexual kinks.
Some kinks, like anal sex or using sex toys, are more widely accepted. Sexual kinks are subjective and exist on a spectrum; what is mainstream to one person may not be to another. Kinks can also include fantasies, not just acted-out behaviors.
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Regardless of the kink, the extent of engagement is crucial for safe exploration. This ensures all parties set safe boundaries (e.g., using a safe word) for a pleasurable experience.
How Sexual Kinks Improve Mental Health
Unfortunately, many people associate engagement in sexual kink behavior with a negative impact on mental health or believe it stems from something inherently wrong with the individual, such as a history of trauma, an unhealthy way to cope with stress, or the presence of a sexual perversion. Therefore, there is a notion that mental health interventions are necessary to address kink, and there is a history of viewing kink as disordered atypical behaviors.
While, in some cases, mental health intervention may indeed be necessary, such as behaviors that harm others or cause individual distress, often the push for seeking a mental health professional comes from the negative stigma placed on kinky behavior. However, exploring kinks can actually improve one's mental health in various ways.
Increases Experiences of Pleasure
Research has shown that sexual pleasure is essential to physical, mental, and sexual health, and the presence of sexual pleasure can improve overall well-being. By exploring sexual kinks, you can improve mental health as you allow yourself to experience new avenues of sexual pleasure. By not exploring sexual kinks that may interest you, you miss the chance to incorporate sexual activities that you find pleasurable, risking a sex life that does not prioritize your pleasure.
Decreases Feelings of Shame
Sexual shame comes from the direct or indirect negative messages people internalize about sex, causing feelings of being inherently wrong. Viewing the presence of sexual kinks as something that needs to be fixed perpetuates stigma and increases shame, directly impacting mental health negatively. The feelings of shame that come from misconceptions about sexual kinks can lead to feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem. Additionally, researchers have identified reasons why people involved in kink experience stress: social stigma, concealment, isolation, and self-pathologizing.
When kink behavior is suppressed, we are essentially telling ourselves that there is something wrong with this part of us, creating internal conflict. Alternatively, when we view kink as a journey of growth and exploration, we build resilience against social stigmas and feel positively rather than negatively about that part of us. Thus, by exploring sexual kinks, you can reduce these negative feelings as you embrace kink rather than shame it.
5 Tips for Exploring Kinks Without Shame
Shift Your View About Kinks
As mentioned above, because sexual kinks often have a negative connotation of being inherently wrong due to their lack of mainstream acceptance, interest in or participation in a kink can feel shameful. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you because of your sexual interest. Instead of viewing sexual kinks as something to be ashamed of, view it as a healthy part of your sexuality to explore.
Be Curious and Educate Yourself
If you are interested in a certain kink but are unfamiliar with what it entails, knowledge is power. Doing some research gives you the opportunity to explore what the kink entails, what you may or may not like about it, and sometimes you realize that the social construct around the kink may be vastly different from what the kink really is. This will give you the power to make an informed decision.
Create a Safe Space
Having a safe space means feeling emotionally, psychologically, and physically safe to explore kink. The absence of safety can lead to avoidance and hiding, directly contributing to feelings of shame. To determine if you have safety, ask yourself the following questions:
Feel Safe With Your Partner
If you initiate a conversation with your partner about your sexual kinks, how will they respond?
If you are met with negative reactions when exploring your kinks, it will only reinforce the negative stigma attached to kinks. But don’t personalize this; the other person maybe isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and it’s great that you’re open to exploring what brings you pleasure.
Have Conversations
Talking about sex and kink can decrease the internalized shame around it! While sex is a personal matter and you may not be ready to shout it from the rooftops, just talking about it with your partner removes the cover-up behaviors that perpetuate feelings of shame.
Conclusion
Now that you have knowledge about what the kink entails, you can have an informed conversation with your partner. Sometimes people are quick to shut down a conversation about kinks due to lack of knowledge. If you are interested in a kink, you can provide your partner with information so they can make an informed decision on whether the kink is something they want to explore or not, rather than making a decision based on what they perceive the kink to be.
When you explore your sexual kinks in a safe way, you do more good than harm, which often is the opposite of what cultural norms have taught us. If you find yourself struggling with allowing yourself to explore sexual kinks, remind yourself of the benefits to your mental health.
