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Nowadays, many people enjoy taking the MBTI test. Among these, people with the "Judging" (J) personality type are those who prefer to plan their lives and do things in an orderly manner. Today, we are talking about the topic of scheduling sex, which might provide some inspiration for you.
Many sex scenes in movies and books depict sex as a spontaneous, effortless act. In fictional works, characters are always physically and emotionally ready to have sex at a moment’s notice. They don’t need to discuss boundaries, triggers, safer sex practices, or lubrication. However, real-life sex is not magically arranged for us like in the movies. We need to communicate with our partners, coordinate schedules and responsibilities, and navigate the physical and emotional realities of intimacy. We must face real sex, not rely on writers, directors, and a full crew to coordinate everything for us.
Is Scheduling Sex a Good Idea?
The concept of pre-planning sex seems to be a controversial one. Some people feel it turns sex into a “chore,” stripping away the playfulness and spontaneity. But in fact, what it strips away is not the sexiness or spontaneity, but the stress and guilt that we feel when we can’t juggle everything and have a movie-perfect sex life.
Scheduling something means that it’s important to you and worth prioritizing. There’s nothing sexier than feeling desired. Planning also gives you time to make arrangements (such as hiring a sitter or ordering something fun) and reduce distractions (like having dinner delivered, ensuring your housemates are out, or turning off your phone).
Once all of that is taken care of, you can focus on your partner(s), flirt, and exchange those sultry looks that often precede passionate scenes in movies.
Rather than calling it “scheduling sex,” it might be better to say you’re scheduling intimate time. You don’t necessarily have to schedule "sex," but you can make time for intimacy, and if you and your partner(s) feel moved, things can naturally evolve into something more intimate. For example, you can schedule a shared shower or cozy up on the couch to watch a show. Perhaps this moment will become sexy, or maybe it’s simply a bonding time; either way, you’re spending uninterrupted time together.
For many people, scheduling sex is a more realistic and accommodating way of managing the complexities of life, whether it's work, family, chronic illness, or the pressures of daily life.
Can Sex Become Too Routine?
Can sex become too repetitive or monotonous? If you’re concerned that your sex life with your partner has become uninspired or dull, there are countless books and articles offering advice on “spicing things up.” I’ve written several articles on this topic as well! However, sometimes our concerns aren’t about genuine dissatisfaction. Sometimes, we worry because we think we should feel dissatisfied.
Sex scenes in movies (including pornography, which is primarily entertainment) are often highly idealized. They rarely show individualized sexual needs; in these scenes, everyone quickly and easily reaches orgasm from a brief, passionate round of penetration. In real life, sex requires much more effort to ensure that everyone involved feels pleasure and satisfaction.
There are many reasons why people stick to what works for them. Perhaps your schedule is very busy, and you want to make the most efficient use of your limited time and energy (for instance, using a waterproof vibrator during a shower or having a suction-cup butt plug for a quick release before bed); maybe you have a disability, chronic illness, or neurodivergence, and finding what works for you was a long and difficult process; maybe you are a survivor of sexual assault, and repeating certain sexual routines helps you feel safe.
If you and your partner are satisfied with the "same old routine," that’s perfectly fine! You’re not boring, nor are you “missing out” on something, as long as you find pleasure in the ways that are familiar and comfortable to you.
What if I Want to Change Things Up?
That said, routines sometimes stop serving us. If you and your partner feel constrained by the structure of your sex life, it might be time to explore.
Sexual exploration doesn’t have to be a complete upheaval. You don’t have to abandon the positive aspects of your current routine. Before looking for ways to “spice things up,” take a moment to think about why you have sex. Perhaps for you, orgasms are most important because they reduce chronic pain and help you sleep; maybe it’s about feeling closer to your partner(s); or perhaps you simply want to feel at home in your own body. Whatever the reasons, make a list and discuss it with your partner(s). As you explore ways to refresh your sex life, prioritize ideas that align with those motivations.
Many blogs and articles provide suggestions for sexual exploration, from new teasing techniques to non-painful kinks. But here are a few ideas specifically related to scheduling and routines that may inspire you:
How to Break Free from Routine Sex
If your sessions are short, try taking turns! Dedicating the entire time to one partner allows you to do more for them, while also building anticipation for your own turn. Try to vary your scheduling. Our bodies feel different at different times of the day. An early afternoon roll in the sheets might be more energetic than a late-night quickie. Take turns planning sex. Having one person always responsible for planning when, what, and how can become exhausting! To break the monotony, begin foreplay hours or even days before the actual event. Send flirty texts or drop hints in casual conversation, dress or pose in ways you know will catch your partner’s attention. But be clear that you’re courting them, not just hinting!
How to Reevaluate Routine Sex
Make a list of potential changes (from new positions to new activities/techniques) that you’re interested in, and rate them based on emotional and physical difficulty. When you’re ready to try something new, choose things that match your current level of readiness. Enhance what you already know and love. For example, using a wedge pillow in missionary to change the angle; if you typically mutually masturbate, try dirty talk or role-playing. To reduce pressure or nervousness, try limiting entirely new experiments to just a few minutes at the start or end of sex. This can make exploration feel less overwhelming! If sex toys are central to your pleasure, try something new! Bodies can be very particular about stimulation (as any sex toy reviewer will tell you, vibrator motors vary widely), so if you have a favorite, look for its "sibling" product. For example, if you love a particular vibrator’s rumbles, try a more advanced version.
Conclusion
The most important piece of advice is: communicate with your partner(s). Be honest about how you feel about your sex life. If one of you wants to shake things up, ensure it’s a discussion, not an accusation or challenge. Your current sex life is not a failure just because you want to change it—it’s the foundation for that change.
